Externalizing Thoughts

Charater

It’s interesting. Recently, for some reason I realized consciously who I portray myself to others and how others respond to my outputs of comments, criticisms, jokes, and practically everything that comes out of my mouth. I’ve been questioning, is this really the kind of person I want to be treated as? Honestly, why would I want to reveal myself as a person that is shut down so frequently? Why would I want to make a fool out of myself? 

Sure, people can argue, “Some things you just can’t change.” This statement does hold true..but only to a certain extent. But why am I complaining when I seem to be doing all this to myself? Maybe it’s because I do need to have a filter when it comes to certain situations. When the obnoxious side of me comes out, or when a fool takes priority in a situation, I’m shut down or insulted (jokingly) due to my childish behaviors. I know myself that I can be serious when I want to be and I can be a complete goofball when I want to be. Maybe I should be more aware of where the fine line is when it comes to cracking jokes or making a clueless remark. 

And this is why I believe my personality can be “likable” (or so I’ve been told). It is because of the fact that I put myself under people and my level of pride is not as high as others. I rarely even get mad. Knowing how most people get frustrated or angry, it’s not even biblical I’d say 80% of the time. Honestly, how many of us can say that when we get frustrated, it’s mostly related to God’s words or commands? As a result, I personally don’t like getting angry since it doesn’t do justice to me or anyone that I interact with. But there is nothing wrong with disagreeing with what I believe. Also, because of pride, there would be less of a reason to clash with me due to the fact that I rarely ever get angry. There are so many factors that come into play and this is only some hypotheses. Unfortunately, since the responsiveness of every single human being varies, it would be unfair for me to make any general assumptions in the first place.

Regardless, continuing on my thoughts about my character, I don’t think I’m a “nerd.” Maybe others can say I’m smart but what does that even mean? That word is tossed around so much but the majority of the time, it’s used when someone performs well academically. Even then, the word smart is such a vague word that should be handled much more carefully. 

There was a saying that one of my friends actually told me which goes something like this: If you’re good at something at the age of 10, you are considered a prodigy. If you’re good at something at the age of 15, you are considered brilliant. If you’re good at something at the age of 20, you are average just like everyone else. What I’m trying to get at here is that the amount of knowledge you obtain at a certain age matters. Hearing this quote actually amazed me because I never thought that having the knowledge, talent, or mental capacity of a 20 year old in a 10 year old boy/girl would make him/her a prodigy. The way I see myself, I’m average. And it is a bit unfortunately for me to realize this at the age of 20. But I don’t live life with regrets so in that sense, I can only change what’s in the present and what’s in the future. Again, this is why I don’t perceive myself as a “nerd.” I would rather think of it as, I am just trying to make the most out of my education (since we are extremely privileged to even have one) and soak in as much information as I can with the remaining time I have left here. And I don’t even think I’m smarter just because I’m in engineering. Everyone’s brains functions differently and if I majored in History, I’d rather crap my pants. What I’m trying to get at is that people need to start understanding that everyone is “smart.” Sure there can be those that are “smarter” than others. However, just because one does not do academically well does not mean he/she is not “smart.” Sadly, people who do get the opportunity to go to school are forced to go to school and for some, school isn’t for everyone. Some can be more artistically, theatrically, or musically gifted which doesn’t really pertain to school. Alright, hopefully I’ve made my point. 

Well I am done speaking my mind. Hope I didn’t bore any of ya’ll and if you guys disagree, can’t blame ya. Just sharing what goes through my mind! 

"Better" or "Holier" Christians are not better than other Christians by any means. Rather, they struggle with sins that others are less aware of and/or less stressed upon. For instance, drunkardness seems to have much more of a negative connotation than something like not honoring your father and mother, when in actuality, sin is sin. Therefore, being a "good" or "better" Christian fails to exist as we all fall short of the glory of God.

Yet we are equally covered by His never ending grace.

Oath

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

-Matthew 5:37

I find that this issue hasn’t been brought up recently or stressed much. If we are intentional with everything that we say, there is never a need to utter the Lord’s name in vain. Since we are prone to blur so many of the statements that comes from our tongue, it’s only natural for people to ask for a clarification of what we actually mean. 

You learn something new everyday.

It’s times like these when I loathe the stereotypical method that Korean parents impose on their children. I understand that their intentions are good and they raise us based on their struggles in the past. However, this is such a selfish mindset. All (stereotypical) Korean parents seem to long for is security. Sure security is a nice thing to have but even becoming a dentist, doctor, or any other stereotypical job that Koreans generally perceive as “good,” can never guarantee complete security. I’m realizing now that kids have dreams and there are times where I wonder what my life would be like if I just dropped everything I did and pursued music. To a Korean parent, something would be wrong with my head because it’s supposedly insane. The main issue that I have with having the “secure life” restricts the potentiality to reach for our stars. Are we content with just having enough to get by? Possibly a little more than enough? Don’t we want to reach even harder for even our biggest dreams to come to a reality?

It’s such a shame that I only realize these things now. Of course, people can respond saying, “You’re still young!” But now there’s a part of me that says it’s too late. With the situation that I’m in, I can’t help to complete my BA as a college student with about 3/8 through my college life. And knowing the person that I am, I can’t just leave something incomplete when I’ve already come so far. Furthermore, it is definitely a privilege to even have the opportunity to attend a college. If I were to have a son or daughter, I would definitely stress to him/her to plant these dreams and deeply root them so that these can become actual and tangible realities. 

Stop letting people with higher authority (with God as an exception of course) delimit what you can or cannot be. God has plans which are colossal and can exceed any of our conjectures. 

For some odd reason, I can’t seem to bury my thoughts in my head anymore. There is so much information that my mind processes sporadically and keeping it all in makes it impossible to retain what goes on up there. Sure a journal could keep these thoughts expressed externally but seeing this world evolving at such a ridiculous pace, it seems optimal to keep things online. Everything on the web seems safer (especially with the new cloud system which allows you to save anything) and effortlessly accessible with a few simple clicks. 

God has really placed me with awesome people

The sad truth is that I cannot satisfy EVERYONE’s needs

Maturity?

I think I’ve come to that time when I don’t enjoy people slapping me as a joke (or friendly way, etc) or people not really respecting my personal space in general. I guess I was fine with it before..but now, all I desire in a conversation would probably be adult-like..either I’m just acting old or I have to de-oldify myself or something

Can’t even put the effort to make a conversation?

lol